Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Long lost words whisper slowly to me
Still can't find what keeps me here
When all this time I've been so hollow...inside
(I know your still there)

We all hear those words or are placed in those moments where the past literally begins to haunt us. The past couple of days have been trying for me in that sense, though I know it's just the enemy who is attacking me through where I am most vulnerable, my heart. Now before you go off and start saying, "Oh my gah, that is so emo," just know that I already know it's emo and I don't care. It's who I am and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14) It still doesn't mean that I'm not susceptible to those kinds of attacks.

The past three days have been nothing but a brutal attack on my heartstrings trying to rip me away from the goal I have set for myself which is to get closer to Him. It started off with a dream involving someone I don't know if I ever want to speak to again, but we were talking and aired things out. Honestly, I have no desire to do so, but who am I to say what the future holds. That turned into stupid little things involving some other people, a random facebook thing saying "You should add this girl, you have one mutual friend," which when I saw it sounded more like "You should add this girl, it's been long enough that she crushed you." Even just last night I had to drive by the location of someone else who had a major impact in my life.

Hunting you, I can smell you
Your heart pounding in my head

Calling me, Hearing me
I wont let you pull me down
Saving me, Raping me
Wont you leave....

The only good thing I can say about all this is that I was able to pick up on it early and while it was still happening. It's common strategy that you don't attack a strong point, you attack the weakest point of a target so that you can destroy it. Even in the face of all this adversity, I needed to remind myself that my God is freaking awesome and that I know He will never let me be tempted beyond what I can bear. (I Corinthians 10:13) Honestly, just last night I said a quick prayer before I passed out and it went a long way. Whenever I have been having thoughts like that during the day, just drop a quick prayer asking Him to help me out of it and just like that, back to normal. Just check our Romans 12 and take some time to take it all in. It's some heavy stuff.

Watching me, wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Fearing you, Loving you
I won't let you pull me down

I will not let myself be pulled down from these attacks when I know I have someone who is stronger and will always help me.

Monday, January 10, 2011


Today was a good day, considering I started a new job which wad definitely an answered prayer to say the least. However, I'm not here to talk at all about today and the relatively boring day of training I had that accompanies the first day (or in this case 3 weeks) of work. This blog is to talk about a realization I had last night.

Give me release
Witness me
I am outside
Give me peace

Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe
That I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides

In this white wave
I am sinking
In this silence
In this white wave
In this silence
I believe

That's Silence by Delerium. It may be one of my favorite house songs of all time, but once again besides the point. As I was laying in my bed last night, I was unable to sleep. I spent an hour staring at the ceiling trying to sleep, then an hour and a half playing video games to tire myself out again (I was already tired) and still couldn't get to sleep for another half hour. I started the process at midnight, so if you kept track, I fell asleep at three. I had to get up at 6:30...

Durint that time, I got to realize something. Life is too loud. We wake up in the morning to an alarm as loud as we can possibly make it. Turn on the TV. Get in our cars and listen to the radio, go to work and find ways to keep ourselves busy and listening to things and we never take time for ourselves. When we do, however, we veg out in front of the TV watching a movie, playing games, or on the computer for hours on end. Don't get me wrong, I love all three of those things, but what is that doing for my sanity? Hell, what is that doing for my spiritual walk?

11 The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. (I Kings 19:11-13a)

God came to Elijah after all the noise, all the trouble, in the Silence. Are we seeking the silence for ourselves? For our sanity? For our lives? And if we have some of the silence, are we using it or are we wasting it away with everything else?

Friday, January 7, 2011

Dilly Dally Shilly Shally

Cloud: Tifa, I'm not fit to help anyone. Not my family, not my friends, nobody.
Tifa Lockhart: [sighs] Dilly-dally, shilly-shally... Dilly-dally, shilly-shally!
Reno: I think she wants you to move on, man.

As creatures of habit, the worst habit we all have is dwelling on the past. I know what you're thinking, the whole last post is about dwelling on the past and this is just another one telling us to move on. Well, not so much. The last one was intended to help you take control of your present in situations you can control, like saying things that need to be said before it's too late. This one, on the other hand is all about moving on. It's also based on a movie this time instead of a song just to show I can be versatile.

Back on topic now. I firmly believe that the phrase "What if" is basically the F word of our past. We always sit and wonder what if I would have done this instead of that or what if I had just tried that one thing or what if I didn't try that one thing? It could be as simple as paying $75 for a 10 lb burger to split amongst friends or as complicated as why did I choose to run to her when I already had everything here. One of those is all kinds of me, and it's not the burger one. There are so many times I regret choosing to leave school to go be with someone who in the long run turned out to be someone who I want nowhere near my life now.

I was having a conversation last night with my mom and we had one of those what if talks that really got under my skin. We hit on things like school, meeting my ex, where I am now, where she is now, and so much more and the fact is that we can't do anything to change that past by just thinking about it. The only thing we can do is focus on our future and how we can get to where we really want to be. As hard as that may sound, it's really the only thing we can change. Just like Isaiah 43:18 says, "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past."

Oh, and there's one more thing I wanted to touch on since we're going on dilly dally shilly shally.

Tifa Lockhart: [referring to Aerith] Which is it? A memory or us?
Cloud: [to self] But... I let you die
Aerith Gainsborough: [in Cloud's mind, sighs] Dilly-dally, shilly-shally. Isn't it time you do the forgiving?

Oh forgiveness, how we loathe thee. It's such a pain because, let's face it, when we seek forgiveness, it's because we realized we were wrong. Personally, I think that's the hardest part of the forgiving equation. Battling with ourselves and trying to justify every little bit of what's going on on how we were right and don't understand how someone else could ever be mad. When we finally do come to terms with it though, then we need to ask for it and admit to that person we were wrong.

But what about the person forgiving? The fact is, forgiving isn't even for the person who did the offense to you. Forgiving someone is for yourself. More often than not, the person who hurt you will just forget it because it wasn't important to them at the time or will never seek the forgiveness or blatantly just not care. But what about you (or me in this case), will we be willing to look past the situation and just let it go? Christ says we are supposed to forgive someone 70 x 7 times (Matthew 18:21-22). It's more of a metaphor. If we're willing to forgive someone 490, it should be easy to just stop counting at one point. Who's keeping tabs anyay?

Cloud: Are sins... ever forgiven?
Vincent Valentine: ...I've never tried.
Cloud: You mean?..."Never tried"...
Cloud: Marlene, let's go.
[to Vincent]
Cloud: Well, I'm gonna try.

This is to let someone who was once the most important person in my life know that despite all that was done, how it was done, and what the end result was, I forgive you. More likely than not, she'll never read this. But this was for me. I'm letting it all go. Dilly dally shilly shally.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I Never Told You

Haven't you ever thought to yourself, I should have said that to them or I can always say it later. Once we're in that mentality, it's extremely easy for us to just let those thoughts go and forget them. But what happens when those thoughts fade away? Do they stay gone and never come back again? Hardly, they come back at the most inopportune moments which always happen to be when said person is around. Murphy's law is a wonderful thing, isn't it...

That being said, how does this not apply to every aspect of our lives, especially the spiritual ones. Since this is a blog and it was originally meant for some kind of personal connection, here's mine. I will be the first person to tell you how far I once fell from the graces let myself walk away. That's so like us too. Just to let us put the blame on other people and not come to terms with the fact that it was probably our own stupid decision that got us to where we are today. If we would have just said those words, wouldn't everything just be better? Worse? Or cleansing? The fact is, those words may alter a relationship and that fear is what kept us from saying those words and thinking those thoughts to begin with.

For the longest time, and sometimes still now, I have loathed the phrase "Everything happens for a reason." The fact is, according to Jeremiah 29:11, everything does happen for a reason. Come what may, God is always there for us and He wants us to be prosperous. Remember, prosperous is not money as most people see it to be. It's leading a good life with health and happiness, wherever and however that may be, at least that's what I believe. God provides, and that's all the reasoning I need to keep going.

But how does this apply to everyone else who doesn't believe in God or for those people who just want a real world decision? To give you the Simple and Clean version of it, just say the words. They will either make your relationship stronger or, not so sad to say, they will weed out the trash that you shouldn't have been wasting your time on to begin with.

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

If we don't say those words, whatever they may be, the fact is, if that person those words were intended for disappear from our lives as we move on with our lives, we will always have that feeling of regret. What if I had?

To a couple of people who to this day don't know how I feel because I never said those words, I miss everything about you...