Long lost words whisper slowly to me
Still can't find what keeps me here
When all this time I've been so hollow...inside
(I know your still there)
We all hear those words or are placed in those moments where the past literally begins to haunt us. The past couple of days have been trying for me in that sense, though I know it's just the enemy who is attacking me through where I am most vulnerable, my heart. Now before you go off and start saying, "Oh my gah, that is so emo," just know that I already know it's emo and I don't care. It's who I am and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14) It still doesn't mean that I'm not susceptible to those kinds of attacks.
The past three days have been nothing but a brutal attack on my heartstrings trying to rip me away from the goal I have set for myself which is to get closer to Him. It started off with a dream involving someone I don't know if I ever want to speak to again, but we were talking and aired things out. Honestly, I have no desire to do so, but who am I to say what the future holds. That turned into stupid little things involving some other people, a random facebook thing saying "You should add this girl, you have one mutual friend," which when I saw it sounded more like "You should add this girl, it's been long enough that she crushed you." Even just last night I had to drive by the location of someone else who had a major impact in my life.
Hunting you, I can smell you
Your heart pounding in my head
Calling me, Hearing me
I wont let you pull me down
Saving me, Raping me
Wont you leave....
The only good thing I can say about all this is that I was able to pick up on it early and while it was still happening. It's common strategy that you don't attack a strong point, you attack the weakest point of a target so that you can destroy it. Even in the face of all this adversity, I needed to remind myself that my God is freaking awesome and that I know He will never let me be tempted beyond what I can bear. (I Corinthians 10:13) Honestly, just last night I said a quick prayer before I passed out and it went a long way. Whenever I have been having thoughts like that during the day, just drop a quick prayer asking Him to help me out of it and just like that, back to normal. Just check our Romans 12 and take some time to take it all in. It's some heavy stuff.
Watching me, wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Fearing you, Loving you
I won't let you pull me down
I will not let myself be pulled down from these attacks when I know I have someone who is stronger and will always help me.